A year ago I was under palliative care watching the specter of Death tap a bony foot and periodically look at his watch. A year ago I was silently writing my own funeral directives about how I wanted things done and squirreling away notes for people to read after I’d gone. Through it all I told people that I never asked God, “Why Me?” I even joked saying I’d smoked for 30 years, was overweight and over 50 which means for this form of cancer I’d hit the trifecta – that was my reason for why. My question to God was never why but what. What did He want me to do?
A couple of hours ago my oncologist finally used the term NED which means No Evidence of Disease. My last 4 CT Scans over the past 6 months of my treatment have shown no discernible cancer.
Two chairs over from where I’m sitting in 5North is a lady who who has just heard the opposite results from her latest CT Scan. I can’t make out every thing her husband and her are talking about but I hear enough. She’s a frail waif of a woman but she’s gained a pound and a half since her last visit and through her tears she sobs to her husband how she feels good – better than she has felt – so how can the results be so bad? And though I can’t make out everything she’s saying I get the gist of it all; I thought I was getting better, why are we staying here, I just want to go home, I don’t want to die. And I sit here I my corner of the room, head in my hands, listening to all that’s being said, not wanting to intrude and dying to do so.
So while I never asked God why before, I find myself now asking Him that all the time. Why have I gotten this physical reprieve from the E-ticket ride to the Bye and Bye? I thought I knew what I was supposed to do on my way there, but now that I’m sticking around for a while more has “the what” changed? Is there something that I need to get done first? I sometimes think that He’s not finished with me here. That like an under-cooked turkey I wasn’t quite done and needed to be popped back in the oven.